Flowers by Imani Cezane

My mother tells me I am her favorite daughter
Granted I'm the only one
But it makes me smile anyway
The other day I asked her what kind of flowers she wants to be buried with
Gardenias she said, white ones
She isn't dying, but I've spent my whole life watching her eat herself into the earliest grave she can fit into
We don't talk about drug addicted parents who keep their goods in the pantry, in the cupboard, in the freezer
Addiction is seeking comfort in that which is destroying you
I was in the third grade the first time my mother put me on a scale
I didn't know why
By fifth grade all I wanted to be when I grew up was thin
In the seventh grade I learned that self destruction was hereditary when my grandfather shot himself in the head
In the tenth grade I fainted at lunch because I ate so much that my throat closed into a fist
Senior year I didn't take my yearbook picture because I didn't want to be remembered
It doesn't matter what you look like when all you do is hide
Hide belly, hide back rolls, hide underarm fat, hide double chins,
Seek a remedy,
Seek low fat,
Low calorie,
Low carb
Hide cookies under the bed,
Hide chocolate bars in the closet,
Seek Atkins diet,
Seek Southbeach diet,
Seek Weightwatchers,
Seek Jenny Craig,
Seek God,
Hide from dressing rooms,
Hide clothes that don't fit, but will one day
Hide binge, after binge, after binge,
Seek lovers who love me better than my father did,
Hide lovers who are already other's lovers lover's
Seek forgiveness for the damage done to self
Seek reason to believe this isn't my fault,
Seek help, seek help, seek help,
My relationship with food is the most loyal one I've ever been in
Eating disorders run through my family like a leaky faucet I don't have the tools to fix
But the day I stop reading my weight like an obituary
I will take one of the flowers I've been saving for my casket I will stick it in my hair the way my mother used to
Sing one of them songs she sings on days that ain't that bad
The ones her mother sang before her
And her mother before that
And her mother before that



                                     David Greene






















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